Choices

My cupkeiki is turning three soon. It’s amazing to think how fast it all happens. I was writing this afternoon and realized that I am constantly reminded of and have grown from, a particularly difficult moment in motherhood. One that will continue to have a lasting effect on my life, and has brought out a side of me I hadn’t quite understood until I started reading about vulnerability…

“The first few weeks of motherhood were great. Then I got mastitis. Now I know every breastfeeding mother out there is going to say; “big deal!” except I paired mine with three horrific episodes of Clostridium Difficile, and a second round of mastitis mixed in between round 1 and 2 of C. Difficile. I cried. My partner cried. I feared for my life, my partners sanity and my newborns…well everything. The pain of having your lower intestinal tract sloughed off and exiting through you like a freight train through a brick wall one bloody mass after another for weeks straight, 106F temperatures, sleepless nights, leaky painful mastitis breasts, the fear of vancomyocins side effects on not just one body but two, bleaching everything in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, and your body multiple times a day, being quarentiened in a tiny apartment with a newborn 24 hours a day… It’s enough to make a measly walk around the block feel like a vacation to Europe. I went through this three times before my daughter was 6 months old. I don’t share my story for pity, pity makes me uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a reminder of the decisions I made in those darkest moments. I told myself I couldn’t give up, it was too late to throw in the life towel; I had a baby and a family to take care of. I told myself that not being beaten by this would make me stronger.”…

Just a bit from my afternoon writing that I wanted to share; because in the end, it really is a great story.

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