Summer where have you gone?!

Let me just recap my summer, since keeping up with my blog has not been on the activity list; and I’m sick so now really is the time!

First, a trip to Rocky Mountain national Park and Winter Park to ride the Alpine Slide (we had sooooo much fun!!)!

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I chopped off, and donated 15″ of hair! First time cutting off that much!

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Exciting food adventures! Kale pesto over zucchini noodles with cherries and pistachios, chicken and chèvre!

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My cupkeiki, doing cupkeiki things!

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Flowers, flowers, flowers!

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Crafts.

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A farm to table event at Jax Fish House in Fort Collins, with our CSA, Revive Gardens

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A rafting trip with my in-laws through the Royal Gorge, with Raft Masters out of Canon City! I’m the chick in the back of the raft and jumping off the rock!

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My cupkeiki turned 3!!! She had a mini party with her cousin and friend!

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I’m a lucky mama!!

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Cheers and gratitude to a summer well spent!

Hauoli La Hanau

My kolohe cupkeiki is three today. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. I treasure our days and adventures together as a family. I am lucky, blessed, forever thankful that I get to call this beautiful, funny, free spirited girl my cupkeiki!

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Where summer has dominated

Sloooowwww Doowwwnnnn summer.

So much has been happening that I’ve been behind in posting the fun. That’s probably a good thing though. I can always catch up on a blog, not on the moments already happening.

I’ve really been enjoying our CSA with Revive Gardens. The vegetables have been amazing! I’m also really enjoying picking up fruit from different producers this year, there have been some amazing West Slope Peaches, cherries and plums.

I’ve been cooking up a storm, but in between a wedding, birthdays, family activities and new adventures I’ve been absent from my posting. This has been one of the best summers I’ve had in a while, especially with my cupkeiki by my side; and I’m looking forward to more adventures before the summers end with her!

Already on the schedule for the next few weeks are white water rafting at the Royal Gorge and visiting the Wild Animal Sanctuary! I’m also going attempt selling a few bags that I make. It’s a hobby I love doing, but I always seem to find a way to convince myself that what I make wouldn’t sell. We can sometimes be our own worst enemies, and maybe this is my chance to prove myself wrong!

I hope summer continues to be fun, loving, adventurous and courageous for everyone!

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Choices

My cupkeiki is turning three soon. It’s amazing to think how fast it all happens. I was writing this afternoon and realized that I am constantly reminded of and have grown from, a particularly difficult moment in motherhood. One that will continue to have a lasting effect on my life, and has brought out a side of me I hadn’t quite understood until I started reading about vulnerability…

“The first few weeks of motherhood were great. Then I got mastitis. Now I know every breastfeeding mother out there is going to say; “big deal!” except I paired mine with three horrific episodes of Clostridium Difficile, and a second round of mastitis mixed in between round 1 and 2 of C. Difficile. I cried. My partner cried. I feared for my life, my partners sanity and my newborns…well everything. The pain of having your lower intestinal tract sloughed off and exiting through you like a freight train through a brick wall one bloody mass after another for weeks straight, 106F temperatures, sleepless nights, leaky painful mastitis breasts, the fear of vancomyocins side effects on not just one body but two, bleaching everything in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, and your body multiple times a day, being quarentiened in a tiny apartment with a newborn 24 hours a day… It’s enough to make a measly walk around the block feel like a vacation to Europe. I went through this three times before my daughter was 6 months old. I don’t share my story for pity, pity makes me uncomfortable. I share it because it’s a reminder of the decisions I made in those darkest moments. I told myself I couldn’t give up, it was too late to throw in the life towel; I had a baby and a family to take care of. I told myself that not being beaten by this would make me stronger.”…

Just a bit from my afternoon writing that I wanted to share; because in the end, it really is a great story.

Letting it Go.

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The more I read about being vulnerable and daring greatly, the more I’m reminded of this phrase: “let it go”. Why? It’s a phrase I despise, right down to my core. I can’t let anything go. Ever. Someone can say something; I can say something, and if it feels wrong I stew over it for days. The same thing with actions.

I attribute this to vulnerability. To the trust I have in people and that some people, I feel, don’t recognize, share in, understand or respect what being vulnerable is. This may be a huge overstatement and of course I’m still learning about vulnerability but I’m trying to process things and to understand where some of my “insecurities with trust” stem from.

Why bother writing this? The goal is to become more vulnerable, to be vulnerable in all my trusting relationships with my partner, my daughter, my family, my friends and my networks. To do this though, I have to recognize that I have a certain way of holding on to things. To, as Brene Brown writes, allow the gremlins to take over; to compare, to push away and to resent the way people make me feel, how I make people feel and maybe more importantly- how I make myself feel.

Daring Greatly.

Have you read, “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown?

I’m just starting the third chapter and I suddenly have the need to reflect on the major theme of the book, vulnerablity.

This is going to be a short reflection.

I am vulnerable. I don’t always appreciate my vulnerability, but I recognize just how much it rules my life, and how often I fight it to avoid pain, failure, uncertainty, and distrust in others. I am vulnerable and in that I feel like people who “don’t do vulnerability” look down on me, pass judgement, don’t consider me to be strong, independent, capable or worthy.